Lessons from the Chemistry of Relationships
Is Love Chemical?
Our social connections operate at many levels. Surprisingly, some of the most powerful levels that impact connection, attraction, bonding, and even fidelity, operate largely outside of conscious awareness. One of the mysterious factors operating at this level involves a tiny molecule called oxytocin*. Oxytocin has been popularly called the “love molecule” because of its role in determining bonding patterns in animals and mother-child bonding in humans. Animals high in oxytocin tend to bond with a single mate for life, while those low in this molecule tend to be wanderers, mating with multiple partners over their lives.
(*Oxytocin and a related molecule, vasopressin, are BOTH involved in social bonding. In this blog I focus attention on oxytocin.)
As social creatures that are highly dependent upon our caregivers for many years, oxytocin is important to keeping caregivers (typically mothers) connected to their children, nurturing them and tending to their needs as they slowly mature. Oxytocin also plays an important role in regulating the health of couples, independent of the presence of children.
Oxytocin at Work
Oxytocin is secreted by the hypothalamus, a structure deep in the core of the brain, where it gets carried through the blood to the heart and then distributed throughout the body. Elevated levels of oxytocin lower anxiety, create a sense of comfort and calm, and is probably a factor in understanding why feelings of closeness to others is described as a “warm and fuzzy feeling, all over!” Simply put, oxytocin makes us feel good and being with others and especially about being with a special “other,” whether that person is a spouse, intimate partner, or close and trusted friend.
As with most physiological processes operating in the body, oxytocin levels vary throughout the day and in response to activities and context. In other words, we have a hand in influencing our oxytocin levels, which is important news for couples seeking to strengthen their connection to one another.
Becoming Relationship Chemists
What follows are a set of practices you and your partner can explore to enhance, enrich, and more deeply connect with one another.
The simple act of silently gazing into each other’s eyes for 10-30 seconds, while maintaining the thought that “I want to be closer to you,” can increase your oxytocin level, while it has been shown to also increase the oxytocin level in your partner.
Human touch is an established behavior that increases oxytocin secretion in both the “toucher” and the one being “touched.” the cautionary note is that in relationships where conflict has been emotionally wounding, this is not a time for sexual touching. The touch of bonding is gentle, patient, and offered freely, without seeking reward. Holding your partner’s hand, offering a gentle touch on the shoulder or back, sitting on a couch and allowing your feet to cross one another, are examples of gentle bonding touch. Doing this silently, wordlessly, while projecting caring and loving thoughts is important.
Taking a walk together while holding hands is a more active, but still powerful means of generating the bonding benefits of oxytocin. Especially when the walk becomes part of a predictable routine, it imparts a positive expectation of connection. The walk conditions an expectation that any brewing conflict can be discharged in anticipation of, or in the physical experience of the shared walk. This builds positive self-regulation skills in both partners. In term, well self-regulated partners are able to behave more emphatically. In term, each become better oxytocin secreters and better relationship bonders.
I encourage you to explore your loving chemical nature as you discover that in some respects, enabling love to bloom can be a matter of practicing the chemistry of connection.