Retaking Control When the Court Takes Charge

Who’s in Control

However it is that you found yourself facing divorce, the process of divorce can, unfortunately, spiral out of control. It is tough enough to feel you are losing control of a relationship that was supposed to happily last a lifetime. It is even worse to find that the private details of your life are also spiraling out of control, often accompanied by large and accelerating costs to add insult to injury.

Where did you lose control? More importantly, how can you regain some measure of control over the process of divorce?

How to Best Utilize the Legal Experts

The legal system has key players. Lawyers and judges, mediators, or forensic experts who offer opinions of everything from financial assets to child custody recommendations. Lawyers and judges exist to navigate the legal alleyways of the divorce process. They operate in a world of facts, legal precedent, and right and wrong. What the legal system is NOT skilled at doing is listening to the powerful, gut-wrenching stories they hear every day and knowing what makes the most sense for the divorcing party.

So, don’t empower the lawyers beyond their considerable but defined expertise. They aren’t clergy. They aren’t couple's therapists. They aren’t your best friends. Gather your questions. Clarify your objectives. Inquire as to what it will realistically take to achieve them. Include in that effort what you will have to do, and not merely what you want the lawyer to get your soon-to-be ex-spouse to do.

Be an Open System with Your Spouse

This is a tough one. You may want to seek professional support and guidance to achieve it. Life operates on a principle of “open systems.” Nothing stands alone. Everything exists in ongoing communication with the environment external to the “thing” in question. For example, a tree interacts with the sun, the soil and the micro-organisms that live in it, the animals that lunch on it’s fruits, etc. So too, you and your spouse were at one point an open system. You interacted, communicated, shared, lent a loving hand when the other needed it, and so forth.

Now that the relationship has run its course, which may be for the best, it is easy to conclude that the days of communication and interaction, of listening and being listened to, are behind you forever. “Talk to my lawyer, not to me!” While this is an understandable position to take, the reality, which is well-supported by rigorous research, particularly when children are involved, is that the time to stop talking is NOT now. Maintaining the ability to interact, to exchange information, to practice reasonable give and take, is essential to being able to move ahead with your individual lives more quickly and with your emotional sanity more solid.

Practice Adaptive Flexibility

Another essential consideration when you want to regain control of your out of control divorce process involves the practice of adaptive flexibility. In nature, adaptive flexibility is essential to survival of an organism. If what the animal expected is not what shows up, the animal doesn’t pout, throw a tantrum, get stubborn, or seek revenge. The animal practices acceptance of “what is” and the ability to adjust and adapt to that reality by developing alternative strategies for moving on, for surviving, and even for thriving.

We can model that in asking where we are taking a stand on an issue that in the larger scheme of things is “costing” us too much emotional, physical, financial, and mental “capital.” When we honestly assess our circumstances, we will find topics to which we are deeply committed, yet the price we are paying may be too high for our mental health and the well-being of our children.

Here is an example drawn from my personal experience. Many years ago I was sued by a former business partner. My lawyer advised me that the issue at hand clearly favored my position. He also told me that at a particular point in the suit, the costs would rapidly escalate. At the time, I thought, “Fine. We are in the right. I am not going to let him get away with what he’s done.” When the negotiations that had seemed so promising stalled, my lawyer said, “David. We are at that point. The costs will now mushroom.” I said, “Let’s move ahead anyway.” He said, “I strongly advise against it. I’ve seen this before. It won’t end as you would like it to and as you have a right to expect.” I asked, rather incredulously, “Are you suggesting I settle for what he is asking?”

My lawyer modeled adaptive flexibility. He said, “Yes.” While you are legally in the right, that no longer matters. You will spend far more trying to ‘win,’ delay getting on with your business, and fail to put this miserable chapter behind you.” I reluctantly listened and agreed. I settled. I can honestly say it was the best decision I could make. I was finally free. My business was free. My creative energy was free. And you, too, can be free. When you honestly assess where you are paying a price too high, recognize that your future life is priceless and decide when and when you can “settle” so you can move on.

Of course, getting to that point is tough. That is why I am here to help you get there. Don’t hesitate to call.